Tithe?

 My first activity as a new member of the Circle City Clubhouse, helping staff the snack bar back in February 2016 in this alleged "recovery space" for mental health consumers, I had to endure another member, Nathan, a fundamentalist Christian, going on a ten-minute rant on how he wished he could afford to tithe to his church.  Something that really irritated me immensely as an avowed atheist, though I wisely said nothing to him.  When I got home, I wrote this poem about him and his rant, prefacing it with these words:  "[I]nspired by an evangelical Christian who went off, totally out of the blue, on an irritating 'Praise the Lord' Godsmack rant that also expressed his eagerness to tithe; so irritating was he with his rant I felt compelled to retort to him with this poem."  Truly, I can't think of anything more untoward than poor people somehow feeling they have to give 10% of their income to some church, where all it will do is line the pockets of the church's pastor and provide them, the tithing poor, with nothing useful of or material substance.  A bigger waste of money and energy is truly hard to imagine!--GF

Tithe?

Why the hell

would you

do that?

To give back

to God

for what he

has given you?

(Though it is

indeed debatable,

to say the least,

if he’s given you

anything at all!)

But of course,

your own

religious

understanding

of God

means that,

to you, God

is infinite,

all-knowing,

all-powerful,

unbounded and

complete in himself

without anything

coming from you—

so, by your

own faith,

the last thing God

needs from you,

if anything,

is the lousy

ten percent of your income

that you, a poor person,

can’t afford to give

in the first place!

But it isn’t God

at all

who “needs”

your tithing—

it’s the ministers

and pastors

who befuddle you

on this

in order to

line their own pockets;

to use you,

to manipulate you

through guilt,

to “give” them

the lifestyle

to which

they wish to

become accustomed!

That’s really what

you get from tithing—

played for

a chump,

and absolutely

nothing more.

Keep your

ten percent, then;

you need it

a hell of a

lot more

than either

God or your

pastor needs it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Don’t commit suicide!”

 At the end of March 2001, I was hospitalized for deep depression and suicidality, and released about two weeks later, coming out of the psych ward of the local hospital in Indianapolis to face homelessness and no job.  That afternoon I took refuge in a fundamentalist Christian "rescue mission," which was my home for the next four months, until I became eligible for SSDI, or disability income.  In September 2001 I became successfully employed, by the end of 2004 had shed off my curse of massive recurring depression, and now, over 21 years since my last psychiatric hospitalization, am in absolutely no danger of being re-hospitalized for psychiatric reasons again.  Below is a poetic fictional description of my discharge, with the cheery psychiatrist wishing me on with well wishes and good speed as I went out into the world facing emptiness, poverty, and despair.  Though the account of my departure from the hospital is fictional, the circumstances limned were all too real, and so, this is definitely a poem based on real life as I had lived it then--GF 

“Don’t commit suicide!”

So said the psychiatrist

as I was about to be released

from the hospital,

the one-size-fits-all pleasantness

of the stiff smile plastered

on his face

appearing as though

it had been painted

on an otherwise lifeless

mannequin.

“Go out and face the challenges of life

boldly and positively,

now with your new, healthy attitude.”

 

He forgot to add,

“Go out and face positively

the crummy, low-paying,

dead-end job you have,

the one that doesn’t pay you enough

to live on. (If you still have a job,

as your job is so low-skill

and you so obviously ‘overqualified’

for it with your college degree

you could be replaced

by a chimpanzee,

if a chimpanzee

could be trained

to punch a time clock.)

 

“Go out and return

to your apartment

and pack your belongings,

as you’ve been evicted

and have to get your stuff

out of there by mid-afternoon.

 

“Go forth and accept

boldly and realistically

your homelessness,

or perhaps staving

off that absolute

homelessness

by scrounging up

a bed in the local mission,

where you will be subjected

to mandatory fundamentalist

God-preaching,

despite your atheism.”

 

“Go out and meet those challenges,”

the psychiatrist

admonished,

just as the therapist before,

the one who’d

personally denigrated me

said to do those few years ago,

when he said that

personally degrading

and insulting me

was designed to

help me “meet the challenge

of living on $7.00 an hour.”

 

“Go out and positively

meet and greet

the challenges of your

worthless,

poverty-ridden

life,

that life

bereft of hope,

possibility of change,

friendship,

support

and love.

 

“By all means,

don’t commit suicide!

You have so much to live for,

can’t you see?”

 

No irony in the

psychiatrist’s voice

at all,

just the same

one-size-fits-all pleasantness

as though the mannequin

had a recording

embedded in it

that played automatically.

 

“By the way,

one last thing,”

the psychiatrist added.

“Before you leave,

be sure to

check in with

the receptionist

and sign the papers

for indigent relief

so that we all get paid.”

Unacceptable Tradeoff

 I used to have major spells of disabling chronic depression, which really disoriented my life, causing me to lose jobs, and immobilizing me in a funk of deep despair for days at a time.  Beginning, finally, in 1986 I was treated successfully for depression, first with lithium (the first medicine that worked for me), which was then a little while later supplemented with Prozac--and gave rise within me to the well-known, nefarious Prozac dick--the limp, flaccid penis that massively interfered with what little sex life I had!  That's the subject matter of this poem below, written only earlier this month, May 2022, though I had been off Prozac, my depression successfully treated, since November 2004--GF

When I was younger,

a couple of decades ago,

and still romantically,

erotically, interested

and aroused,

my love life was

plagued by—

Prozac dick!

Yes, I had traded

my depression for a

flaccid penis,

one that could

still be aroused,

but couldn’t go

the whole way.

I’m still undecided

which was the

rawer deal—

the debilitating

depression,

or the eternally

wet spaghetti-like

Prozac dick.

Because, whenever the

erotic showdown came,

I was always the

disappointing ending!

 

 

A Sure-Fire Cure for COVID-19 Isolation: Reading Good Books!

 This short essay was published in the April 2022 issue of the Circle City Clubhouse newsletter.  The Clubhouse is an ineffective gathering and "recovery space" for mental health consumers, and usually its monthly newsletter is insipid.  If I may say so (and I do say so), my seven published articles to date in the newsletter is the only bright spot in that whole slew of back Clubhouse newsletters I've preserved.  I also say, the sound advice, incisiveness, and helpful content of the essay below speaks for itself--GF

Despite all the concerns during the COVID-19 pandemic over its bad effects on mental health due to isolation, I didn’t suffer these—because, unlike many others, when I was alone and quarantined, or did not feel all that safe and secure going out, I simply read a good book! I felt so happy and mentally well as I read, really enjoying the chance to catch up at last on all the reading I wanted to do.  So, I say to all who read this:  are you feeling lonely and isolated? Read a good book, and you’ll feel so much better!   Read several.  They will make you feel good about yourself, move you to treat yourself well, and not feel bored and isolated. I know from experience. Yes, get yourself lost in the printed word!  Works wonders on the psyche!

And—it works well also when one’s not worried about COVID-19 isolation.  Just getting lost in a good book is a joy in itself!

 

NAMI: Don’t Overlook Personality Disorders

 

Personality disorders are as common as clinical depression, bipolar, and schizophrenia, and can be as devastating to their holders as are these mor recognized mental illnesses—although personality disorders are more overlooked, as their sufferers seem more “normal” than those afflicted with depression, bipolar, or schizophrenia.  The Mayo Clinic’s website gives a good, concise overview of personality disorders, which are classified as mental disorders rather than, like depression, bipolar, or schizophrenia, mental illnesses.  The Mayo Clinic’s link, “Personality Disorders,” can be accessed here:  https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/personality-disorders/symptoms-causes/syc-20354463.  2014’s state-of-the-art handbook on what is currently known about personality disorders, Handbook of Personality Disorders: Second Edition (Livesley and Larstone, eds., Guilford Press; available both in hardback and paperback), notes that personality disorders are about 55% genetic and 45% environmental, and, in line with what the Mayo Clinic states above, can result both from parents with personality disorders, as well as abusive or chaotic childhood social environments.  There are many varieties of personality disorders, as both the Mayo Clinic and the Handbook of Personality Disorders attest, and sufferers from personality disorders can have problems with relationships, with employment and employability, and with schooling and graduation.  As a sufferer from personality disorder myself, I can attest to having struggled over my lifetime with all of these.  As persons with personality disorders get older, however, many of their symptoms are attenuated and they become more “normal,” though usually with ongoing relationship problems (for example, while I now have an intimate network of friends, they are paltry in number), problems with unemployment and underemployment (again, in my case, although a college graduate, I work a steady blue-collar labor job), and problems in schooling and graduation (it took me 11 years to finally complete the requirements for graduating with a Bachelor’s degree).  Sufferers from personality disorders are also troubled by extreme, over-the-top, emotional overreactions (I suffered these too, especially with anger, which triggered angry outbursts).

While personality disorders were described in the psychiatric literature as early as 1938, for a long time they were considered incurable; however, that has changed, and a variety of long-term psychotherapies have successfully been used for treatment (medication is not regarded as effective, except for symptomatic relief).  The Handbook of Personality Disorders list several psychotherapies that have proven effective; among them are Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, mentalization, and an eclectic approach that combines techniques from several of the successful therapies (while the various schools of psychotherapy that are useful have differing theoretical perspectives, in practice, their techniques are overlapping and similar).  Personality disorders are also comorbid with other mental illnesses, particularly with depression and bipolar, according to the above-cited Handbook.  The point of psychotherapy in treating personality disorders is to enable the patient to see underlying defects in his/her thinking, and to replace wrong thinking with more realistic thinking.  This is a process that involves regular psychotherapy for a year or two, although in my case, successful psychotherapy has taken considerably longer, probably because  for 47 years (1965-2012) the  psychiatric therapy I was subject to at CMHCs was considerably wrongheaded and malfeasant, leaving me chagrined as a desperate, dependent outpatient—something that did not change until I started in 2014 with a private psychotherapist who used his particular version of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

As for childhood social environment as a cause of personality disorders, the ACE study (Adverse Childhood Environment), based on a sample base of 17,000 clients of California’s Kaiser Permanente health insurance program, provides important clues to the kind of parents who are more likely to have children with mental health issues.  Specifically, there are four kinds of parents who are high-risk for creating such children:  parents who abuse, belittle, curse, or berate their children; parents who are mentally ill or have personality disorders themselves; parents who are alcoholics or drug abusers; and parents who have been imprisoned, or who engage in illegal activities.  In my particular case, both my parents definitely fell into the first category, and may also have fallen into the second, as they were both given to over-the-top outbursts of rage that would go on in tirades for 10-15 minutes at a time.

However, based on my experience as the holder of a personality disorder, with proper psychiatric treatment, with a stable job and a solid friendship network, even if small, the prognosis for recovery is solid and strong, even at a later age.  Given the prevalence of personality disorders, it is a shame that NAMI and other mental health advocates don’t recognize and educate on them nearly as much as they need to.

 

    

A Past Article Now Once More Worth Commemorating: In the Wake of El Paso, Dayton Mass Shootings, Trump Blames “Mental Illness”

This article was originally published in the Circle City Clubhouse newsletter while Trump was President, and was poorly received, with a disclaimer objection, probably because so many other Clubhouse members, my fellow mental health consumers, were Trumpists. However, I am convinced they completely missed the point, and that point of Trump's was to exonerate guns and blame mass shootings on an amorphous "mental illness," a direct attack on us mental health consumers, who are far more likely to be victims of violence (including self-inflicted violence) than we are perpetrators of violence toward others. It reinforces the mistaken public impression that we "mentally ill" are dangerous, drooling psychopaths, which is not the case at all. Hence, this timely republication in the wake of the mass killings by gun in Buffalo, New York and Uvalde, Texas.--GF

Here begins what I originally published in the Circle City Clubhouse: 

He specifically exempted—guns! His exact words, uttered publicly, were, “Mental illness and hatred pulls the trigger, not the gun.” However, the last several mass shootings have been perpetrated by people with no record of mental illness. And yes, while consumed by hate, these mass shooters have shared a very specific form of hate—a right-wing, anti-Jewish, anti-black, anti-immigrant and pro-Trump form of hate. From Dylan Roof right up to the El Paso shooter, who confessed to the cops he opened fire at the Walmart in El Paso specifically to kill people of Mexican descent. And not even Trump can deny that! But no. Instead of manning up to his own hateful and divisive rhetoric, Trump prefers, as he usually does, to find a vulnerable scapegoat. In the wake of the El Paso, Dayton massacres, it’s “video games” and that old standby, “mental illness” and the “mentally ill.” Yes, we, the “mentally ill” are the ones responsible, because we are drooling psychopathic monsters! Not the NRA, which opposes any reasonable gun control whatsoever; not the ability to buy legally military-style semiautomatic assault weapons designed for one purpose—to kill significant numbers of people in one burst. Not a paranoid Old West mindset that views guns and their ownership as synonymous with freedom and the American Way of Life, that insists on having the ability to purchase them with even fewer restrictions than are needed to buy a six-pack of beer! And once again, the “mentally ill” become easy prey, readily available scapegoats, for this deeply rooted societal malaise. We’re supposedly responsible, we who’ve sought and seek psychiatric help, we who’ve been psychiatrically hospitalized, we who gather in places such as the Clubhouse to work together on our full mental health recovery. We, we, we, are responsible! We, and, of course, video games. But never, ever, the divisive, hateful, anti-immigrant, anti-black and Latino, anti-refugee, rhetoric spewed out with sickening regularity by the Orange Carrot masquerading as President in the White House! Fellow mental health consumers, this isn’t the first time we, the “mentally ill” have been scapegoated for societal ills, and unfortunately it won’t be the last. We must be aware of the bigotry that awaits us wherever we go, how it will be animated on any pretext whatsoever, and we must educate the public and fight back accordingly. We must enlist the Clubhouse and all other institutions that serve the mentally ill to openly and honestly fight back. And realize, and make others realize, it is not we, those with “mental illness,” who are squeezing the triggers of those weapons utilized by the right-wing hateful to massacre innocents. We are but innocent victims also of El Paso and Dayton; this time, victims of irresponsible, inflammatory rhetoric coming out of the mouth of the Orange Carrot in the White House. And echoed so sadly by others who should know better, but don’t. Fellow mental health consumers, we must be prepared to fight back—lest we also end up as more victims of El Paso and Dayton.