Australopithecus hoosierensis

This article also originally appeared in Examiner.com--GF

Contrary to accepted opinion, Indiana is not populated by and large by Homo sapiens, but rather, by a deceptively human-appearing species of nasty, stupid, erect-walking ape, Australopithecus hoosierensis.  Australopithecus hoosierensis differs markedly from its cousin, Australopithecus mississippiensis, in that, while Australopithecus hoosierensis professes to love music, and often inflicts itself on others with this profession by doing fifth-rate karaoke versions of third-rate country and pop songs, it cannot sing the blues, and thinks “My home is in the Delta” refers to a frat house!

Needless to say, this designation, Australopithecus hoosierensis, goes over poorly with that half of the allegedly adult Indiana population that does not believe in evolution.  This half is thus prone to complain volubly, “I ain’t descended from no ape!  I is an ape!”   Then there is that that invariably appreciative and supportive Hoosier work supervisor (hah!), who is often given to say to an underling:  “You made ten mistakes this morning.  You did the work of an idiot.  If I wanted the work of an idiot, I would’ve done it myself!”

 

Then there is that classic cultural characteristic of Australopithecus hoosierensis, doing things according to Indiana ‘Round to It Time (“I’ll do it when I get ‘round to it.”).  Needless to say, this can often cause consternation, especially to those not accustomed to Hoosier ways.  Consider this little dialogue that went on when someone came into a repair shop to check on an item he’d brought in for repair some time ago:

“I was just checking on that small appliance I brought in for you to repair.”

“I haven’t gotten ‘round to it yet.”

“But it’s been ten years!”

“I said I’d do it when I got ‘round to it!”

But that’s nothing compared to Indiana “I Woulda, But…” Time.  This is heard frequently in the Hoosier state, “I woulda, but…,” followed by some excuse that one is expected to automatically accept as a perfectly good and valid reason, no matter what it is. To do otherwise is considered very bad form.  Here’s a typical example of what I mean:  “I woulda, but…well, I got drunk instead.  And then, because I was drunk, I had to fuck the dog.  And, by the time I finished fucking the dog and sobered up, it was too late.  But I woulda!”

Australopithecus hoosierensis is not the only unusual fauna found in Indiana.  The Hoosier state is home to those other weird (by non-Hoosier standards) but common denizens, the Two-legged Pigs and the Two-legged Sheep.  Two-legged Pigs are especially prevalent in Indiana among politicians, notably Republican and Tea Party ones; among “community leaders,” businessmen, many labor leaders (which are actually an endangered species now in “right-to-work” Indiana), numerous clergy and “spiritual leaders,” and, naturally of course, bosses and managers.  Two-legged Sheep comprise the vast majority of the rest of the population, especially voters, and are characterized by their constant passivity in the face of everything while bleating loudly, “Baa, baa, baa,” at anything that disturbs their desired brain-dead tranquility.  The Two-legged Pigs, for their part, constantly bark, “Oink, oink, oink” authoritatively as though they were giving orders they expected to be obeyed without question.  The Two-legged Sheep then respond with bleats of “Baa, baa, baa” to the all the “Oink, oink, oinks” that are uttered by marching off, mindlessly and herd-like, to be turned into lamb chops.